Marriages are made in Heaven

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.” ― Kahlil Gibran,

It has been ages since I contemplated a question as simple as this one. This has been the way of life, the scriptures also speak of this as Grihstashram.
 Grihastha (Sanskrit: gr̥hastha) literally means "being in and occupied with home, family" or "householder". It refers to the second phase of an individual's life in a four age-based stages of the Hindu ashram system, It follows Brahmacharya (bachelor student) life stage, and embodies a married life, with the duties of maintaining a home, raising a family, educating one's children, and leading a family-centred and a dharmic social life.( Wikipedia)

The young girl looked at me and asked me ‘why should one get married? Does marriage put an end to the problems in our life? The question has always been, 'why should I not get married? It definitely could set me thinking.

Marriages in India are determined from the day a child is born. Indian societal norms believe that a marriage is a bond between two families rather than two individuals. If the child’s parents wish to have their best friends for a lifetime, then they decide to marry their children who are unaware of this relationship. If a baby girl is tall at birth people exclaim saying it would be difficult to get a tall groom for her. The girl begins wishing she were not so tall and develops a hunchback in the course of time. This causes her to lose out on the tall boys. But everyone marries. The tall, short, dark, fair or lovely everyone gets a bride or a groom. The mother of a girl begins worrying even before the little girl sets her goals in life, if the girl accomplishes something very high in life, then the concern is to find a more qualified person as her husband as the scriptures in the patriarchal society say the man should be better placed than the woman. In Konkanis the well educated girls get well educated boys without the pressure of a Streedhan or Dowry. If truth be told, my mother used to say that there is  no dowry given in the Konkani community. It is the influence of other communities that have begun shaping dowry in the Konkanis. My mother never worried about us as she felt her charming daughters would get bridegrooms easily. My father was the one who actually faced the trials and tribulations. I am not sure whether marriage ends life's problems, but it is undeniably  the  beginning of a great deal of problems, which grows one in many ways through many great experiences.

When I was pursuing my graduation, me and my friends witnessed a few early marriages of our classmates. Sharda was a friend of mine who got married in the second year of graduation. She lived very close to the college yet her debonair husband dropped her at the college gate cooing sweet nothings. Me and my friends wished we could swap  our lives with Sharda's as all of a sudden she seemed the luckiest. She took us home one day when we had a leisure, her home was a tiny flat and her kitchen almost dreamlike. We all wished to get married earlier than usual, but in Konkanis we get a good groom only when we study and hold a good job. A few years later when I met her, I saw her with  a baby and the expression on her face showed that  an early marriage was not all that rosy.

My father said I could get married then if I wanted to a Businessman. The thought was a little difficult as in those days husbands were materials to be flaunted. They needed to be tall, dark  and handsome with a bike,  possess excellent  spoken English skills and a good job of course. A car was not in vogue then, but bikes were.

Rani a friend of mine  who was a year older than me detailed her life as a wife and her kids when she was in STD 7^th. I asked her in all curiosity whether she wanted to get married. She told me that everyone had to and if one denied it, then they would not get married and remain a spinster for the rest of their life. I quickly said I too wished to marry, but I was just twelve years old then.

After years, my elder sister got married and then came my second sister’s turn. My friends kept congratulating me saying that my turn to get married was just around the corner. My father found an eligible groom for her and then the wedding preparations went on smoothly. Now I knew my goal in life was nearing. I quickly completed a Bachelor’s degree in Education and felt that I was ready to get married. As luck would have been I met my husband at a formal function when he told me he was appearing for some departmental exams and right then had a modest income. I asked him whether he had a bike, he said he drove a scooter, but in Mumbai the local trains were much more convenient.  I asked him many questions, but his answers were very different from what I wanted in life. I told my friend  who had accompanied me all about  the conversation. She said that there were better boys in the waiting yet I got ready to marry him as he seemed ok and someone told me that all husbands had to be modified to suit one’s lifestyle. My father was thoroughly annoyed,  but agreed to marry me off saying everyone had their choices in life.

 We began our life in the suburbs of Mumbai. The trade capital Mumbai provides a great scope to make riches provided one wishes to. I quickly took up a job in a coaching class in addition to a school teaching job. As such my health began to fail. My husband said, ‘life is a long one, you run behind riches, they will make you run throughout your life’. Thereafter, I worked as a teacher, and took care of  the home. There were many ups and downs.  We learnt to travel together, sacrificing our timings to be with each other while walking to the railway station or boarding the same local train. We prepared for competitive exams together and always failed to clear it due to the lack of dedication.  As my husband had a government job, he slowly progressed ahead.

Life in Mumbai landed me in the hospital numerous times. I would always find my husband waiting beside me and looking at me anxiously. The nurses would rely on him to move me from the stretcher to the bed. He would help me with the housework and I took everything for granted. With my son’s birth, we were bonded more than ever. We now fought all the more to make ourselves more accountable for everything the boy did. We now turned into a family. My husband was there in all my ventures as a shadow. I remember the day he ran the rocky path in fear when I took my first test drive to buy a two wheeler, he was my teacher while I learnt car driving, he spent two continuous months helping me master driving. He would drop me and my son to the work place, bring us back, pay the fees for the various courses I enrolled and be there for any help. For my higher education there was a greater contribution of time and sincerity as he felt somewhere he was able to succeed while I remained where we began. I appreciated God’s ways as I always wanted him to do better than me.  We have had our differences and still do, but the difficult years have bonded us greater than ever.

The young girl’s question is  an unanswerable one as during our time we  got married for a financial security too. Nowadays we find girls equally independent as men and so they are hard to please. I could only say that as our Vedas depict it is one part in life that bonds one with supreme strength and helps the parents leave the world in peace with the notion that their children have made their own niche to live on.

“A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” ― Dave Meurer